The past, my past, was very lonesome. I was never very popular among the students and I feel some thought of me as “different”. I was strange and always acted strangely. To me it was normal, but to everyone, it was weird. People eyed me when I talked to myself because no one was around to talk to. The others did come every now and then to eye at my pictures and say nice things about them. My art was the only thing that made me popular, though it never lasted long. I used to draw dinosaurs and dragons all the time. Mostly they would be in gruesome situations such as raptors tearing at the flesh from a brontosaurus. I always drew dark things, and never noticed really because that was the way I felt inside. I remember at night when I finished saying my preys that I begged for God to give me a sign as to why I existed. I pleaded and cried feeling tortured by the people and how alone I felt. I never cut myself, but I know if I had enough will to that I would have. All my life I tried to be kind and generous to everyone, thinking that I would get something in return. But I never got anything back. Only the adults paid attention to me, which made me uneasy. I didn’t want to become a teacher’s pet, but I couldn’t help but take comfort under their wing. I felt like this until 6th grade, when I met someone similar to me. He was an outcast and I felt bad for him, so I made him my friend and we loved each other’s company. He and I were like soul mates and talked about everything and anything that came up in our lives. People, though, laughed at him and me and said we were dating for the longest time. I hated that and made me feel uneasy when I was around him at school. I almost tried to avoid him at all costs. I never told him that, but now I think I should have. After about two years of mocking, my friend started to get popular for some reason. He made tons of friends, while I was still that same. My heart had changed because of him and now it was changing again. Before, my heart felt full when he was with me, but when popularity came, it began to felt like it did before: missing and lonely. A part of my heart left and the hole still rests beneath my flesh. I wish to one-day fill that hole, but I know I will never fill it with my friend. He’s changed so much in the past few years, and now he’s like a totally different person. I miss the old times and wish things would have stayed, but life never stands still and sadly, my mind doesn’t realize that yet. I think I am the only one out of all my friends who has never changed. I’m still that strange, quiet girl who always stood in the shadows: invisible. Drawing is the only way I can get away from the world and feel at peace. My daydreaming teleports me to a world where all my dreams come true and where my heart isn’t broken. The friends I have made in my first year of high school have started to fill the empty space in my heart, but it won’t be full until I can find someone who truly cares about me and loves me for who I am and not how I look. I know I might not be the skinniest person on earth and I consider myself not too pretty either, but if I can find someone who ignores all of that and looks into my heart, I will feel free!
This story has been kept inside my heart for the longest time and I just had to let it out. This is all true and none of it was made up. My heart is as strange as me and never really knows how to feel most of the time. My mind keeps making me shy and I hate that so much because it keeps me from doing certain things. It makes me seem like a coward and now that I’m 15, I feel I shouldn’t be bothered by such an emotion. I hate myself most of the time, but deviant has allowed me to express myself and feel like I really fit in with the world. I would like to say thanks to all who have commented and been my friend. It means more to me that anything guys and girls alike, so please remember: I don’t want any pity really for I have lived with this for a long time. Also if you have read this entire thing, #1-good for you! You really had time to read this^^. And #2-I hope this explains why I seem strange at times^^;
Thank you for your time…:heart: Silver(aka-Amber)